It is not your fault

I hear this phrase all the time.

My friends tell me this after I pulled my love away from her deen, my family tells me this after I regret not telling my uncle I loved him more before he passed away, and my therapist told me this when I felt like I wasn’t there enough for my friend who committed suicide.

People say I am such a wonderful person because I have so much empathy, but they don’t know the amount of overthinking and hate I have for myself when a situation goes wrong. They don’t know that you cry yourself to sleep or build up all the emotions in your heart so that you don’t burden anyone else. I find it hard to ever blame anyone else cause all I want to do is forgive and find a way to say it is my fault. I don’t get why I do this and I hate that I do it. Some attribute it to having a good soul but I just want the pain in my heart to go away.

“It is not your fault,” they say.

I tell them I know but I never truly do